Once Upon A Time I Was A Badass

I think I forgot how to be a badass. I used to be one. I think I still have it deep down inside. But I've gone soft. I get upset easily by things that are absolutely not worth my tears. How does one forget so easily how tough one used to be?Recently I've been subjected to a lot of mean girl cattiness. It's one of many times this has happened in my life. If you're a girl, you know exactly what I speak of. Even if you're not a girl, many of us have been victims of mean girl harassment. Or maybe you've just seen Mean Girls which is pretty accurate. It can be subtle. It can be obvious. It can be cold yet said with a smile. A lot of immature petty comments can be made under a bitch's breath so you think you heard it but can't be sure so you can't confront them because you may be wrong and they will probably deny it and then just say something else barely audible as soon as you turn your back.It's an unnecessary evil. Nothing is accomplished with bullying. Maybe the bullies feel something is, but in the end, it's one less friend you have in this world.So why am I getting so upset by catty youngsters who have never been outside of Burlington? Why did I burst into tears when I got into the car with my husband last night over something I would have laughed about a year ago? And it's not PMS. Actually....wait...REGARDLESS! I am a fucking New Yorker, still and always, in my heart. We don't take this bullshit. We don't let people snap at us without snapping back. We don't allow catty remarks to go unnoticed. We destroy those who try and put us down because we are survivors and you don't know me well enough to think you can break me.But they have broken me. Several times. And I know I'm better than that because deep down, I know I don't actually care. In reality, it doesn't affect my life once I walk out that door. It's petty, childish behavior that I can't figure out where it comes from. Perhaps it's just being young and feeling like you're the shit. And you might be. But it's not necessary to make me feel like shit or any of the other girls who have fallen victim to this. I sadly am not the only one.Again I ask why? Why am I putting up with the bullshit of a twenty-something who begs for attention?I've lost my armor. My sword as well. I could take jealous actors at auditions or bitchy complainers at work because I had an army behind me. It didn't bother me because I was able to be with my tribe after and laugh about it. I was in New York. I was living my dreams. I was powerful because I was trying.I don't live there now. I'm in a small city where I didn't grow up but everyone else did. They all know each other. They are all living it the fuck up in their twenties like I did. They don't know that. They don't know me. I don't have survivor points. I have let myself be taken down a few pegs because I have become desperate to be liked. I was desperate with my career in the city. As I've written about before, I wanted success so badly I would let myself be defeated and depressed by the slightest rejection. I was clawing my way to get any where career wise. I'd walk into an audition with the mantra "HIRE ME HIRE ME LOOK AT ME I AM GOOD" in pounding my head instead of "I get to act for two minutes in front of important people. Yay!"The survival job was always something I had to do but I could get over it quickly. I dealt with cattiness all over but I had my friends to hang out with after so who cares if the bitchy older server didn't like me. I never hesitated to snap back with my own clever 'can't tell if it was a mean remark or a sarcastic joke' response. I didn't take any shit from any one because it didn't matter. The majority of people I was around liked me and I had so much else on my plate I didn't have room for mean girls.I am now desperate in my social life. I feel I talk too much when I finally get the chance to speak. I babble on and on because it's been days since I've talked to someone other than my husband who knows everything already. I am desperate like the bullied fifth grader I once was to get these mean girls to like me. WHY?? What am I thinking? I don't even like them and they have no interest in me because mean girls only want someone who will make them feel even cooler by their standards. They are the Slughorns of the real world. I'm a 31 year old wife who left the greatest city in the world to work in a restaurant. I am in negative numbers on their spectrum of awesome.That's why I am yearning for acceptance. I know I am cool. I think of the things I have done and they sound made up. I got paid to work as a model in Europe. I have worked on sets and had conversations with Kate Winslet and Russell Crowe. I've spoken to celebrities they couldn't even fathom meeting. I am a hilarious drunk (at least I think I am). I know some of the best bars in Manhattan. I am funny, smart, nerdy, and talented. I am pulling a Britta here but I LIVED IN NEW YORK. I AM COOL.But no one knows it. They feed off the power I am giving them by wanting them to just like me. They can smell it, it's a bully's greatest skill. They see how I crumble when they snap at me. And the urge to fight back dies when I realize I don't have my tribe to fall back on. They see my weakness and they go for the jugular. My strength is hidden beneath insecurity and trying to fit in living in a new city. It's disguised with feeling old and unwelcome. It's exactly what my career felt like before we decided to leave.I can't win every battle. My armor is coming back in my career endeavors. Soon, I'll have my sword in it's scabbard again. I am naked when it comes to my social life. I am exposed to small catty comments that the speaker forgets ever happened. They remain imprinted on my chest where they stung as they hit but the mean girls won't even bat an eye next time I see them. It's fun for them. And I let it be fun. When did I stop being a badass? When did I start caring so deeply about what others think?I survived bullying once. I survived being a New York actor. I can turn my brain off or I can cleverly respond in a way only a New Yorker knows how which is to say something smart they won't get at first but once it sinks in, they crumble. Or the third option that doesn't perpetuate mean girl syndrome which is to be the Disney princess I know how to be and smile and know I am working on my dreams and I am a damn princess who loves herself and her friends and will get her sword back any day now and you'll be in this same spot, doing this same thing, feeling desperate for cool friends, picking on someone else and never knowing what a cool friend you lost in me.End rant.Yesterday I applied to be a Kind Ambassador with the Kind Campaign, an organization I believe in and respect greatly. The Kind Campaign holds assemblies in school across the country to teach girls about kindness and how cruel bullying can be. I was picked on a lot as a kid and once again in college. I am a victim of bullying and still am even as an adult. I hope to bring an assembly to Vermont to teach the younger generation about kindness and to support each other instead of tear each other down. I only wish the mean girls around me had access to such a thing when they were younger. Perhaps they wouldn't be so cruel in their twenties if they did. https://www.kindcampaign.com/