And now she is...
How many stories do you know that start with the following:A terrible thing happened to her and she almost gave but, but instead she did this and the world was forever changed. I know a lot of them. With most artists, whatever their medium, this is a common beginning. Would we have Harry Potter if JK Rowling wasn't struggling? Would we have the radiant light that is Elizabeth Gilbert if she hadn't ventured to heal her broken parts by eating, praying, and loving? Danielle LaPorte didn't start her Desire Map franchise by being happy about the way her life was going. How many actors have told the story that they had $15 in their checking account when they booked the role that would propel their career? Or musicians? Or honestly anyone who worked hard for something when they had nothing left and it became their benefactor?A lot.I had a very bad shocking awful horrible insulting embarrassing wonderful freeing cathartic thing happen to me this week. Something that I hadn't experienced in my life yet but many others have so I wasn't alone in anything I was feeling which was mostly embarrassment, hurt, and panic. I'm a person who likes to be good at what I do, no matter what it is. I like to be an asset, someone to rely on. It doesn't matter if it is what many of us call a 'survival job' or at a play or on a film set. I like to be the person you don't have to worry about because I am there, doing the work, helping out where I can, but I will get the things I need to get done, done and still have time for more.That has not been the case here and I was sinking. I was letting something strip all that I know about myself away from me. If you've read past blogs, you know I am keen on finding toxic things in my life and cutting them off. I lost a little bit of that ability and was making excuses for something that was actually destroying me.It's strange. I could feel what I can only describe as cords or tentacles around my heart and insides. They were tightened, restricting, suffocating. I was trying to trim them, keep them at bay, work against them but they were winning.I would look in the mirror in the morning and not know my own face. I've been trying not to live in the past but when old photos pop up, it wasn't just how thin I was that I was noticing. It is that there is no light behind my face. Even when we were in Europe this summer, I thought for sure travelling, one of my favorite things, would shine through. I look at pictures and I don't see it there like I used to. My smile is forced, I look uncomfortable, not confident, tired. I was anxious, worried, stressed over something that I didn't truly value or care about. Something I didn't need to bring up every ten minutes but I was, constantly. It was consuming me.My husband was growing more frustrated with me. He is a provider, a fixer. He couldn't help me and that was hurting him. I don't blame him for his frustration because I denied everything he said. No, I couldn't do that because of this. No, I have to talk about this because I have nothing else to talk about. No, I need to vent. No, if I do this, it will be fine. You'll see. I had no creative energy. I was zapped entirely of it all. All I wanted was to sit on the couch and watch television. I didn't even want to read because reading felt like it was too much effort. This from the girl who cries at the library in Beauty and the Beast because that is what I think my actual heaven would look like. Books were my friends, my happy place, where I could escape. They had lost their appeal to me because I didn't have the focus to absorb it all like I used to.I was participating in nanowritmo. I was excited about it. For those who don't know, it is National Write Your Novel month and the challenge is from November 1st to November 30th, you write. Your goal is 50,000 words and you report them to their main website. I was doing it alongside my sister in law and several other friends and while my novel was struggling and I'm not quite sure I even like it, I was doing it. I wanted to see if I could achieve this goal. I didn't. I let several days get away from me and fell behind. Then the awful horrible thing happened during a very busy week and I let it all slip. I am disappointed in myself and I do plan to finish those 50,000 but I am trying to take it all as a lesson. A lesson that I let something I cared about and wanted to do be pushed aside for something that didn't feed my soul or get me excited. I let it crash because I thought something toxic was more important.That is what toxic things make you feel like. They drain you of everything else and steal your energy for them and them alone. That is what toxic people do and there were plenty of those around me as well. It is exhausting.Here's the part where the beginning happens:The day before, I had the type of day I used to love. I was gone from my house from 11-9 pm. My day was filled with rehearsals and a show. I was tired, hungry, but I felt closer to myself than I had in a long time. I laughed most of the day. I was focused. I had fun. But I also was checking in on things I shouldn't have. I was letting myself be worried, distracted, and anxious. The toxicity was still there, coursing through my veins, putting a pile of rocks in my stomach.And then it was gone.My dearest love, Matt, read my cards for me over the summer. I believe a lot in Tarot and what they say. His deck is different from mine and truly beautiful. My reading was very personal but this tidbit I think is very important to share. In the center, there was a card that was covered by a sinister looking card. The Nine of Swords. This card was pressing on me, my creativity, my potential. As I looked at it when he flipped it, it felt like a knife had been stuck into me much like the image on the card. Yes, I thought. This is exactly how I feel right now. I pictured the card often. It was somehow pinned to the back of my eyelids ever since this reading. If I imagined what my insides looked like, it was that card.I read my own cards several times afterwards and got similar answers. I was inspired to read more after I felt so comforted by Matt's reading. They were all about potential and growth being stunted. I got a beautiful card I had never gotten before but always noticed in my deck, The Green Woman. She was reversed and when she is, she means exactly that. Growth stunted. "Twisted, the energy goes awry..." is what part of her description says. Because of this blockage, everything gets out of whack. It causes pain, confusion, and destruction instead of creation. This is what was happening to me.This week, though, my husband turned to me and said "You're you." You don't really think about it until it is said to you. When he said it, it became very clear everyone was possibly seeing this other me. I wasn't the only one who noticed a different face, different personality. And when he told me, he was excited. He was happy. He wasn't frustrated or worried. I wasn't frustrated or worried. I felt what he was saying: I felt like me. I feel lighter. Is that strange? Well, I do. Like the swords have come out and the stunted growth is breaking down and growing up again. Letting go always feels so good so why do we fight it for so long? Everything I have ever let go of I haven't regretted. It may hurt at first but eventually it is always for the best and yet, I hesitate every single time I know I need to do it. I suppose that is just human nature.Here is where I am now, though. I am ready for my A-HA moment. I am ready for my Harry Potter. I am ready to take my time finding myself and allow myself this freedom to create again. I don't expect to become a sensation overnight. I expect to become what I want to be. I expect to discover my thing because this is a catalyst and I am not going to waste it. Without the suck of energy, I have strength back. Without being surrounded by objects that were dulling me, taking advantage of me, stunting any potential I had, I can grow. I can work harder towards my actual goals and the life I imagined since I was small. I see the work my peers have put in and I'm done watching from the sidelines. I have me back and I'm moving forward.There were a few things that came out of my mouth that surprised me this week. But they were all things that when said out loud, spread warmth through me like butter. They were not forced, they were not lies, they were thoughts I had hidden away and had finally unlocked. Things that I was avoiding, trying desperately to find other solutions because I thought they were better. They aren't. Sometimes it's the most obvious truths we run away from but should welcome with open arms.It feels good. Changes are coming. But the change isn't all new. It is back to the original me. The me I felt at home in. The me that is completely satisfied with the laughter of an audience when I am onstage encouraging it. The me that writes for hours and doesn't remember to eat dinner. The me that flies through books and someday will live in a house made of them because I can't stop buying them. The me that smiles from the inside out. 
When she didn't know what she wanted to turn after having this shitty thing happened to her, that was when she (fill in the blank) and her story began.
Expecto patronum
