What Happened to The Man Who Got Everything He Wanted?
I know how to make it work. I've got all my pieces in place. I'm doing Whole30 and focusing on what I am putting in my body to know what fuels me best. I bought classes at a new gym because I think more structure will help me want to exercise. I bought a journal with places to write goals for the year, month, and week and pages for making Vision Board and Mind Maps. I'm pulling a card to read every day. I am mapping out a fantasy novel and writing every day. I have a goal to publish something every week whether it is here, on Medium, or another site that runs on submissions. I did the Desire Map and I am reading all the books my endlessly supportive parents gave me on writing.I am ready. I know the work will pay off and I know that it is hard work but it's supposed to be hard. That's what makes it great (thanks, Jimmy Dugan)So what the fuck am I so afraid of?I've had this problem most of my adult life. I've settled into the struggle so much that I am not sure what I would do if I achieved my goals. I have no clue why, it seems like such a ridiculous thing to be afraid of. I don't doubt that achieving goals would make me happy nor do I think they would disappointment me. I'm an intelligent person. I know not everything is made of silver and gold. Each dream I have is still an actual job so I'm not naive to the fact it will still be work and there will still be days I hate. But I'd rather be sitting at a desk writing til all hours of the morning or on a movie set or backstage in a freezing black box theater than any where else every day for 8 hours (if on a movie set, more like 14).I have not given much thought to the fact this may have affected many of my auditions until recently. When I was younger, I would just barrel into auditions and let myself loose and leave, probably picking up a snack on the way back home or to whatever job I had at the time. As I got older, I got panicked. I mean, you can't not panic at some point in this type of industry or any industry really. I panicked because I wasn't booking anything. I panicked because I still was working jobs I only sort of liked. I panicked because some people where ahead of me in their careers. I panicked because I was a card carrying member of two unions and couldn't get a job in either which was a twist considering I worked non union constantly to get the cards.
With panic on my back and screaming in my head, I would enter the room. Desperation can be seen. You know how it is said horses can smell fear? I think casting directors can smell desperation. My voice when I introduce myself is higher than normal. I'm twitchy. My stomach is in more than knots, it is filled with live bees and my focus is out the window because my head is now full of sawdust. My confidence fades because I want this job so badly but I don't even want this job, I just want a job, it doesn't matter what it is so my heart is also on lunch because it isn't feeling this play or commercial or whatever this scenario is. And I do my piece, whatever it is. Maybe it's sides which I have rehearsed for weeks and I am fully prepared and yet when they come out of my mouth, I feel nothing. I am putting on a show but it's not a very good one. I am in my head, wondering about how much it pays, do I need to leave my job, is this a good credit, do I have pit stains, will I throw up, what will I eat after this oh yeah there is a granola bar in my purse. I mean, it's literally "Climbing Uphill" from The Last Five Years.Then I walk out and think about the audition the rest of the day. I pick it apart, throw it away, take it out of the garbage and pick it apart again. This was what led to what I guess we can call my 'burn out'. But it wasn't even that I was burnt out. I was overthinking everything and taking the joy of something I loved. I was moving fast ahead instead of being in the present, remembering how lucky I was to be there in that room going for it.I'm sitting here seeing it just up ahead again. It's like just around the river bend BOOM here is doubt, anxiety, panic, and finally defeat. I'm writing things in my goal journal but how long does it last? I know myself and I know this time of year and I get pumped for starting fresh with new goals and tools to get there but I 'burn' out and give up and go back to the usual schedule with some medium level effort to get by saying I am a writer and an actor. 
That's how it is with most resolutions, isn't it? They start off so strong and some of us (maybe most of us) just give in to the fact that they might not be working immediately and it takes too much energy to keep going. Isn't it nice in the middle? It's cozy, comforting, with enough laughter to convince you that you are living your best life when it fact you aren't because come December 31st 2018, you'll be right back here, making new plans, realizing this year wasn't very strong in terms of making your dreams come true.Currently, I have a shitload of free time. Am I making the most of it? Eh. I go with eh but I am for the most part. I get up at a reasonable hour and write something. I try and do yoga. I have organized two drawers in my dresser! I read instead of watching TV immediately. I don't allow myself to sit on the couch until I am done the tasks I assigned myself for the day. I used to do this method in college and when I first burst into the city and it feels like home in a way. I used to only focus on the schedule I had set for myself and then everything else fell into place alongside it. I ended each day feeling like I had done something.Do I feel I can be doing more? Yes. Is the fear of maybe let's say, looking at auditions in other states I can submit a video but I'm too worried about my life being shaken up if I booked it ever present? Also yes.What is this fear of happily ever after? Is it that I won't know what to do once I achieve dreams I've been working for? I know that's not true because all that happens is you make new goals and dreams and work towards those. Life only moves forward. Perhaps I am concerned about moving forward and leaving the comfort of the routine I insist I hate but I know I can hide in like a blanket fort. 
I am challenging myself to see how far I can go. If I count week by week, that might make it easier. Small steps to a bigger picture. I have the tools and they are working and clicking. I have support beyond my wildest dreams FOR my wildest dreams which is just beyond lucky. I also have shifted the panic towards the fact that I am not happy in my current situation and panic can be a good motivator to shake me up and out. I look at my life and say This is not all there is. I can fix this. I need to fix this now because I can't keep repeating this process every January. Do I know if these tools and working hard will get me where I hope to be in a year? No, not really. Yet, yes, I do know that they will get me closer. I know that because I see it on those around me who work hard. Who devote their entire beings to their dreams and goals and I have yet to do that. I've felt so scattered trying to find my thing and be like them instead of listening to myself to locate it. We get caught up in trying to live other lives instead of our own. Being a player in our own life can be so difficult when jealousy creeps in. I ask again, when is it my turn? I now know I have to make it my turn by actually sticking with the path instead of veering off when I get frustrated or scared.There are so many quotes about being scared and doing it any way. I don't know what I am scared of aside from getting out of my comfortable blanket fort to the world. Maybe that I am a fraud and won't be able to do any of it. I was never afraid when I was younger and it's rude age makes you terrified of the future. I was hungry. I'm hungry again but I dug myself deep into this cocoon and I don't know if I have the strength to get out.I guess I'll just have to listen to Yoda: Do or do not. There is no try. 
