Can't Fight That New Year Feeling
Here we are again. A new year is about to start. A fresh red carpet of possibilities is going to roll out before us. We are going to grab it by the horns and take control. New year, new us, new everything. New, new, new. But is it though?Every New Year of my adult life (as kids, it was just a chance to stay up til midnight), I find myself questioning my feelings towards the whole "fresh start" situation. I love it and I hate it. I am a true Gemini in that fashion; I constantly am torn between two opinions of...well, of everything.But back to the New Year epidemic. Our calendars end and we write the year wrong on every thing we date for about two months. When did it start being an excuse to totally reinvent ourselves? Shouldn't we be able to do that any day of the year? Why does it have to start at the beginning?Most likely, as Maria said, it is a very good place to start.I love the New Year because, simple put, it is 365 days of new. There, I said it. I fall into the trap every January 1st. It is because you have a spread of new days that are untouched by previous ones. It is all pristine and perfect, like fresh fallen snow. No footprints have touched it. You can begin again with whatever you lost along the way when suddenly it was October and you looked around and said "Oh, fuck, the holidays are here again." It happens to me every year. By that point, I practically tap out. The last few months fly by and here we are again at the starting line, ready to race to the finish.And I love it. I set new goals and I stick to them usually for a while. It is a magical energy that hits me when January 1st rolls around. I'm excited and inspired. A whole year to make something of! I can pace it out and achieve everything I want to! I am amazing and powerful and so freaking ready to kick ass!Then reality comes back and I remember I also hate it.I hate it because I don't feel that way come February 2nd. Don't even talk to me about it March 2nd. I fall back into the usual yearly swing of the everyday. My goals start to fade into the background, checkmarks never written on my list. I hate it because of the pressure it brings. I probably bring it on myself but regardless, I end up disappointed that I let things fall to the side. This was supposed to be the year of the new me! I am failing at being anything I set out to be. Why don't I feel sparkly and invigorated anymore?I hate that I can't find reason to do this during the year. Why can't we all make goals every quarter or something so that we don't fall behind? Why do I wait until January to make the excuse to focus and hunker down? Is it because the blank space is too tempting? The filled in spots seem too crowded, don't they? Is that why we always are born again post hangover January 1st? The promise is so shiny and beautiful, we can't look away. I hate that. I want that in April or August when I am exhausted and uninspired. I want to be baited with a fresh start at times when I have given up and I figure screw the rest of the year, I'm out. I also despise all the diets and gym advertisements, too. The whole business of the New Year is gross at times. I can't be alone in thinking that.So here we are on the precipice of the New Year. I'm torn once again between being excited and being annoyed. I'm leaning towards excited mostly because I have goals this year and have already achieved a few of the ones I set out late this year. I have the momentum going and the New Year only helps to propel it forward. Perhaps I am too bitter. Maybe I still lean towards the negative.I have good reason.Last year, I was unemployed and had all the time in the world. But anyone who has depression or anxiety or has been unemployed while being any of those things, you know even doing laundry is difficult. I did nothing for the first half of the year. I did the best I could. I came up with my novel story, wrote some blogs, cooked a lot, watched all of Grey's Anatomy again. I think back and get frustrated that I had empty days and all I could do was sit in the same pajamas on the couch after job searching for an hour. I could have written a novel in that time or at least a draft, couldn't I?No, I couldn't have. Not with how my mind was. It was dark and stormy, not a place for something to plant and grow.This New Year, I choose to love it. I choose the blank page. Why not give in to the energy and joy that comes with an empty planner? The first half of 2018 is a blur to me and the second half brought me back to life. I have learned what it feels like to do the work and see it blossom. I know now I can set goals in August and get them done before the deadline I have made. It doesn't all have to happen January 1st. I can believe in myself every day of the year. Lists and checkmarks, aren't they so damn satisfying? Why wouldn't I keep them around all 52 weeks?I could hate more on the New Year but why bother? The other Twin is winning: she wants happiness and triumph. She wants a win. The New Year promises a win. It may be an empty promise but that's okay. I'm willing to fill in the blanks until it is fulfilled.