Little Black Rain Cloud
I have a Little Black Rain Cloud that follows me around. I try to lose it in crowds and down alleyways but it always finds me. Hovering above me. Lingering behind me. Passing over my head and casting me in shadow...and mud. It never goes away.In Winnie the Pooh where I've taken the Little Black Rain Cloud from, Pooh is merely trying to disguise himself as a rain cloud to steal honey from a hive. I've repurposed it to be slightly more evil than a silly old bear trying to get some treats. How do I stop dread from consuming me? How do I stop past damage from seeping poison into my veins? It affects my brain and stifles my creativity. It stops me in my tracks and my stomach fills with rocks. I can't think or move. It is full panic it will all come crashing down again. Things have been absolutely great the last few months since moving back. As I've written before, it feels lovely to say that. Life is naturally full of ups and downs. I don't expect things to feel perfect forever or at all, honestly. I know this city has a dark side that can rear up and tear you down. I know bad things happen out of no where. Life is unpredictable and I am not naive to that.But what do I do when I can't stop thinking about that? What do I do when I feel like a Final Girl with the killer over my shoulder at all times?We had a few dips down this week. Nothing major. Just some changes happening faster than my husband and I planned for. Again, nothing to draw concern. Only unexpected news which is never fun. The Little Black Rain Cloud floated closer and poured over me last night. It needed to remind me how bad it can get and that it was still there. It always is. It was terrible for so long, it became my normal. Now, this is my new normal and I have barely gotten it to fit properly. What if I lose it so soon after receiving it? How does everyone else do it? How do people live their day to day not fearing that it could all come crashing down? Is it my brain that only works this way? I know it isn't but I think of people in other towns and cities, working their jobs, raising their families, and not thinking about any of this. Is that even possible?I always tell people to believe. I pretend so often to be that strong Disney hearted princess who believes. Sometimes I truly don't. I believe instead that it will all cave in and be lost to the sea. All my hard work, I am just kidding myself. It won't matter or amount to anything. Sometimes I believe it is inevitable.I know deep down that is not true. My brain tricks my heart though. The cloud brings the rain and I forget I can overcome it all. Instead of believing I took the right risk coming back and finding my home, I remember taking another risk and watching my life crumble.That's the hard part. The damage done. I took a risk and it crashed and burned. Everything I tried failed. Some days, I see that and only that. They are not often; not any more. I am far from the dark days I had the past few years. But when they come into view, it is hard to ignore.So, what do I do?I see it. I feel the rain. I might let it take me over for a moment. I might cry and the panic swallows me and I lay curled up, wishing it all away. But now, instead of staying that way for days, I open my eyes and get up and do the things I want to do. The Little Black Rain Cloud doesn't go away. It floats behind me. Maybe we all have our own version of the Little Black Rain Cloud. And maybe it is like Pooh. Maybe it disguises me as a weak person I know I am no longer able to be. I can't allow myself to be. I have too much I want to get done and that girl I was isn't able to do it. The girl I am now is. So what does the Final Girl do when the killer is coming up behind her?She turns and swings her axe.