Letting Go Of The Last Part Of My Former Skinny Self
There is a part of body acceptance and love that is letting go. I was hanging on to a few things that were dragging me down every time I thought about or looked at them. I kept thinking they would fix themselves; they would go back to normal. I was waiting for it to happen, fully confident it would. Someday I’d wake up after all this time and effort and it would magically have occurred in the night and I’d be happy again. I just knew it.
I was waiting to be as skinny as I once was.
Now I know I probably won’t ever be. I’ve written about my struggle from going from a 90 lbs girl to more of an average weight for my height and age. I was that 90 lbs my entire life. It’s a hard adjustment to go from a 0 to a 6 and not hate yourself even though it is a pretty natural occurrence. I got older and I had never exercised or watched what I ate. I also worked a job where I walked about 11 miles a day. I was healthy, just skinny. I think we all could look at our baby face selves in high school and think “My god, I was so SMALL!” It was my trademark in a way. I was always the tiny girl. And now I’m pretty similar to most women my age, something I always wanted, and I am still holding on to a few skinny me things.
It took me a long ass time to buy new jeans. I just didn’t do it and suffered through uncomfortably tight waists and feeling worse about how I looked. I finally bought the size I fit into and I’ve felt much better and more confident. I have done what I’ve written I’d do: I have learned how to dress myself better. So I checked off that big box and continued to ignore a few other things that were lingering.
The big fish of it all has been my wedding rings. Who knew fingers grew when you gained weight? Probably everyone but not me. My fingers 30 lbs ago were apparently very very small. When I have filmed things in the past few years, it is a battle to get them off my finger and actually quite painful. It is part of why I’ve hesitated to get back into acting and extra work. I wasn’t sure how I’d take my rings off casually.
So last summer, I got my engagement ring resized by the designer here in New York. It turned out beautifully and I can take it on and off easily, even when it’s humid and my fingers are swollen. The person that assisted me asked if I also wanted my band resized. I declined, saying it would have been too hard to take off to give to her.
And it was.
I have been seething with jealousy at those who just casually take their rings on and off. It’s such a ridiculous thing to be envious of but there it is. I had a friend ask me to see my rings when she was deciding on her own and I had to tell her I couldn’t take them off. It was incredibly awkward to admit I was wearing jewelry that was a process to remove. Who does that when resizing is common and simple? But here I was a week ago, with my wedding band still wrapped around the base of my ring finger.
Over the course of a few days, I attempted to take it off . I actually bruised my finger doing so and waited until it went back down before trying again. I sat in the AC until my fingers were cold and thinner and with some oil and a lot of effort, I got it off. I sat staring at the tiny thing and the mark it left around my finger and decided it was time. Every other time I had taken it off, I shoved it right back on. I was truly convinced they would fit again. I figured this was all a phase and my body would go back to what I considered was normal.
But that’s not how it works.
If I didn’t get this resized now, what would happen if I were to become pregnant? It already didn’t fit and I’ve seen what gaining weight does to every part of your body. I’d never get it off. While I am making the effort to lose weight with healthy food and exercise, I know in my heart I won’t ever be able to get back to 30 lbs ago. I mean, technically, I COULD. People lose hundreds of pounds. I know myself and my lack discipline to do so and honestly, there are some days I really like how I am now. I don’t have the commitment to lose it all and part of me knows that wouldn’t make me happier. I hated being thin most of the time.
It’s kind of a be careful what you wish for scenario. I always wanted to gain more weight, stop having people telling me to eat or ask if I was anorexic. And now I don’t have anyone saying that to me or calling me tiny. It’s what I wanted. It just didn’t feel as great as I assumed it would.
The wedding band was one of the last pieces I had to let go of. It was holding me back in ways I didn’t realize. I made it an excuse for a lot of things like acting or modeling or any opportunity where I’d have to take them off. I’ve been avoiding it because it was what was left of my skinnier self. I got rid of the clothes. This was the last to go. The last to adjust. Aside from me.
Now I have two rings that I can take on and off easily. I can clean them more often and maybe sometimes not wear to work out or garden or even just shower like most people do. I also don’t know why I said garden, I don’t have one, but future me might. I don’t have them as excuses anymore. It is freeing and terrifying all at the same time.
I may never be fully comfortable in this skin. I’m better now than I was so I have hope it will happen. Perhaps that is the magic I am waiting for: not to be skinny again one morning but to be happy in how I look and feel. There are days I do. Days where I wear a sparkling green dress that fits like a glove and I feel stunning because I have those extra curves.
I think with body acceptance comes some release. I had to let go of the things that I held onto that made me still feel like that thin AF waif of a girl. I wanted to still feel like her. But now I am me: an average size woman who really likes high waisted jeans (my 16 year old Britney-low rise jeans loving self would be shocked). It’s all bit by bit and this was one of the last.