Can We Look Forward To Anything Anymore?

One of the ways I coax myself out of a dark place is to have something to look forward to. A trip. A film. A concert. The release of the final book in a series I love. A meal. A visit with friends and family. A day off.

The big things are usually the power players in this coping mechanism. The vacations abroad or to a favorite frequented spot. The theater tickets I sat refreshing Ticketmaster for hours to snag. The move to a dream apartment.

All of the above has been canceled or taken from me in the last year.

It has happened to us all in one way or another. That does not need to be repeated or described. You all know what I am talking about. We all went through different levels of it.

What I am beginning to realize is part of this 'new normal’ is we can’t look forward to the big things any longer.

How can we when everything changes every few days? The big things are the first to go and many already have as we enter what feels like a new phase of this situation.

I wrote about this a few months ago in how the little things are returning.

It turns out they are all we’ve got.

I had tickets to my first theater performance since February 2020. It was canceled due to positive COVID tests in the cast. In fact, three of the performances were canceled and many understudies took the stage when the show got back up in running. This was a harsh reminder that we are not out of this. Not by a long shot. As thrilled as we all are for theater to return on a larger scale, even a massive outdoor theater with vaccinated audiences and cast and crew is vulnerable.

I instantly thought of all the big plans I have set in motion in the next few months. Did I jump at the opportunities too soon? I have slivers of regret about this because my heart is trembling, worried it will break again. I have a big trip planned in the fall filled with people I love and things I love to do. I have tickets to several shows. I am looking forward to them all with my entire heart.

However, I have learned I can’t. Not fully. I can’t look ahead with confidence that all of this will happen.

And that is okay.

It is okay because I am learning to look forward to the little things instead. I look forward to occasions where I can hug my parents and friends. I look forward to sunsets. I look forward to nights where we have nothing planned even though they are plentiful because I’ve found joy in sitting on the couch watching a movie I’ve seen a thousand times. Or perhaps something entirely new. I look forward to cooking meals that challenge my basic culinary skills. I look forward to the sound a new book makes when I crack its spine. The way the pages smell. I look forward to long walks in new neighborhoods even if I don’t go inside anywhere. I look forward to coffee. I look forward to the toned muscles I now have in my arms (wimpy muscles but I am trying). I look forward to reading my Tarot cards and charging my crystals on a full moon. To flipping the calendar to a new month. To my cats snuggled up next to me in bed. To grocery shopping. To birds on my fire escape.

I am learning to love the little things I took for granted for so long. I am seeing that my life is filled with these tiny joys that swarm my chest with love and light.

The big things were always the prize. The big things I worked towards that made the struggle all worth it. The truth of it is, the little things are the soul of those struggles. The whispers that keep us going when the big thing seems so far off, so impossible. The little moments that make us laugh, cry, feel alive. Those are the sunsets, the long drives, the nights on the couch and the breeze that smells like lilacs.

Maybe we can’t look forward to the big things. Not yet. The pandemic is not over. But we can take something from these lessons of losing the big events, the shows, the trips, the weddings. We can remember that the little things can be just as special as a big things. They often give us a kind of happiness that stays in our bones and we smile when we think of it. The moments of quiet and stillness that linger to calm us down on a day down the road. The jewels of a life that is well lived and doesn’t rely on the big things to give it value.

It is hard for me. I am a ‘look forward to big things’ person. My heart has learned to adapt and though it is a constant struggle, it has been worth it to feel it leap more than it ever did when that magic hour hits.