The Thin Line Between Restless and Boundless

I am feeling stretched thin like gum. Anyone else?

I’ve narrowed down the cause to one hundred reasons.

I am antsy, fired up, vibrating with the need to be busy, structured, and scheduled.

I am relaxed, wild and free, finally having found so much of what I’ve been seeking.

I have the time and freedom to get all my projects done and rest and somehow I am overwhelmed, vibrating with energy and also wanting to hide under the covers.

It would be easy to blame the pandemic and that certainly is the root of it all. My body is struggling to adjust to the ‘new normal’ alongside everyone else. It is a strange feeling to stand on the edge of a precipice still waiting for a switch to flip and everything to feel right again.

There is no switch. There is nothing but the wild, raging sea below me and I have to figure out how to navigate it. Do I jump or climb down? Or do I just turn around and continue to search for what my normal used to be?

No, not that option. That option is gone.

I feel guilty when I rest and I feel guilty when I am stuffed to a point of exploding with plans, schedules, responsibilities. I used to think there was a balance I was merely struggling to find between the two.

It seems to be more of a thin line.

There can not be one without the other. When I am restless, I know I need to breathe and to find an easy joy. When I am free without agenda, I know I need some structure up ahead to keep me sane. I can’t be too free and I can’t be too rigid. Is there a middle to be found?

I have the time to do it all right now and I feel I am running down a hallway that keeps extending, like in a horror film. I can never reach the end. It is exhilarating and frustrating.

Perhaps an example may help.

I lucked out when I secured my current job. I feared I would be required to head back to an office and I have some workplace PTSD I’ve been working through. I had become attached to freedom I have working remotely and find joy in being at home, in comfort and safety. I can write and read on breaks. I can mediate. I can exercise and prepare meals. It really has been ideal.

I have been boundless.

My job informed me I can stay remote, we all can. No one is required to go to the office unless they want to. A hybrid model. I was floored. I had somehow managed to get everything I wanted in a job: flexibility, remote work, supportive environment, no office politics or forced participation.

I now feel restless.

This is what I mean by a thin line. I am so unbelievable free and flexible right now, I feel insane. Is this what is it like to get what you want? Most days, I function with immense gratitude and check off all my boxes PLUS rest and care for my anxiety ridden self. Other days, I wrestle with the limitless sensation of being trusted and allowed to live outside the corporate structure so much of the workplace in the US is built on.

Restless and boundless. Same, same.

I think I keep waiting for that switch to flip. Waiting for it all to slide back into what it used to be. It seemed impossible that it could ever be both and here I am, seeing that it is more than possible: it is my reality.

I think many of us are searching for a balance that may not exist. I believe we may be experiencing a constant tug of war as we navigate the uncertain future ahead of us. The thing is, the future has always been uncertain. It just feels escalated right now and many of us have seen how uncertain it truly is.

Having freedom can make one feel trapped. Having structure can make one feel like they are thriving. Is it a balance or a thin line? Can I be grateful but also disappointed in my current position?

Restless and boundless. Disciplined and wild. Structured and free. Somedays I want to run and jump off the cliff and some days I want to climb down with a helmet and rope.

The gift of time is illusive and tricky. It is a gift and a burden to have so much of it. It is what I always wanted. Time to write, to read, to rest, to play. It is all wonderful and all weird. It will take time to get use to and luckily, I have a lot of that very thing.